One-liners for balloon creations

• Retorts for requests
• Hey, that doesn't look like a XXXXX!"
• Retorts for repairs
• One-liners for kids
  • One-liners for kids who want more balloons
• What do they eat?
• General
• What to say when a balloon pops
• One-liners for pumps
• One-liners for balloon dogs
• One-liners for balls in balloons
• One-liners for adults

Retorts for requests

• "Name a animal, I will make it out of this one balloon." When they say dog, I say " that's easy give me a real tough animal." They give their reply, pause for a minute, look puzzled and say "A dog you say!" It usually gets a laugh.
• I use this when working a line or at parties. When anyone asks..."Can you make me a doggy?" I step back a couple of steps from them, get a very serious look of my face, thrust my hands forward towards the person, utter a few magic words and say "you're a doggy!!!!!! When it fails, I get a real confused look on my face and then look at them and say " Oh, didn't work....you're still a little girl". I then make them what they asked for.
• "Make me a doggy!" I pull out my wand, wave it and say "There.....now you're a dog...... ohhhh it may not feel like much now, but wait 'til you get home and look in the mirror.."
• If when I'm leaving a table, a lady at another table says "Hey! where's my balloon?" I'll walk over dig through my bag, pull out a balloon, reach over and very carefully hand it to her, then walk off. It's "abuse" for the sake of entertainment and fun, but I "suck up" big time afterwards.
• I heard of a cool button that I would love to have.. It says "Clown - Plain Clothes division"
• Kids always ask me for snakes. Sometimes because that's what a balloon reminds them of, but usually because they are trying to be witty. I make a big deal about how a snake is HARD to do. Lots of laughs. I ham it up. I blow up the balloon all of the way, look at it, and say "Nah. Looks nothing like a snake. Let me try it from the other side." Then I walk over about 3 feet. Turn sideways, and repeat the gag. More laughs. Finally, after encouragement, I give it one last shot. I wrap the balloons around my fingers and inflate it into a curly-Q and make a Cobra. Gets a great reaction.
• When The Mask was released, a friend of mine warned me immediately about the scene where a balloon is morphed into a fully operable Thompson submachine gun. His assumption was that now that people were going to see this in a movie, I'd get requests for it and I better come up with a way of making the gun or have a good line to answer with. Later that same day he offered a suggestion for a line.
  "Can you make a gun for me?"
  "Sure, but there's a seven day waiting period."
• Here's a way to handle the 'I want' statement from the children (to point out in a subtle way that it's a little rude): I thump my chest and say 'I Norm, glad to meet you Want'.
• Today I made a cat for a cute little girl who asked for an otter. I told her I couldn't make an otter, because otters love to eat sea urchins, and sea urchin spines would pop a balloon otter. (She actually bought this, and asked for a cat!!) So, as I was twisting up the cat, she asked me what would happen if the cat scratched itself. I thought quickly and replied "Nothing, all my balloon cats are de- clawed."
• After making an animal balloon, hold it up and say "Did you hear that?" Then hold the balloon out for the person to hear and say "Mooooo". Look a little puzzled and say "Hmmm... I guess this balloon was supposed to be made into a cow"... not a dog (bird, frog, etc.)

Hey, that doesn't look like a XXXXX!"

• "Of course it's a lion, you can tell because it's purple. If it was _pink_ it would be a panther, but it's not so it _must_ be a lion." (it's a Zen kind of humor, I think.)
• There is a great Groucho Marx line from "Duck Soup" that could be used; "Who are you going to believe, me, or your very own eyes?"
• You could do the "trained dog" bit, if you're not happy with the sculpture... "Of course it's a dog; it just got back from obedience school. Watch" command "Rollover" (action is semi-obvious here - if needed, blow a slight puff of air at the figure with your mouth to help) command "Speak" (squeak the side of the balloon) command "play dead" (put it on the floor and stomp on it.)
• If your character is capable of getting away with it, hold the dog next to the heckler's face and say to all other spectators, "Yeah, I think we can all see the resemblance. No, wait a minute." Turn the balloon around. "There we go, perfect!" This puts the victim into the position of having to be a good sport. Of course, if the subject of your humor isn't a good sport, you may get your butt kicked. Part of the fun. If you're skittish about putting your audience on the spot, do the same gag, but hold it up to your own face.
• "Oh, a dog, I thought you said ________" Fill in the blank with whatever it looks like. If it really *doesn't* look like a dog (or whatever), say that it was an abstraction, but your art is horribly misunderstood by the unwashed masses. But that's okay, because you're getting into Pop Art (pop it and make another whatever, but do it right this time).
• "Yes, it's a Latexian Schnitz-hund. And, if I say so myself, a perfect rendition."
• "It's in its larval stage. Take it home, put it in the closet for two weeks and it becomes a St. Bernard."
• "It's a cross-breed."
  "Shhh - you'll hurt its feelings."
• "My God, you're right. Here, you try." (Careful - they may be better than you, and you'll stand there performing dueling balloons for half an hour) (then again, you might learn something, and you'll look good if you have good humor).
• "Hey, it looks more like a dog now than it did five minutes ago."
• "Everybody makes dogs that look like dogs - mine are a novelty."
• "Actually it's dog DNA; take it home, put it in a warm, dark place and in a million years it will evolve into a dog."
• Whenever an adult says 'Just pretend it's a dog' or a similar comment, I pull out my Sharpie marker and take the balloon back. I write 'DOG' on the side of the balloon. I hand it back with a big smile and say 'I am always prepared for the imagination impaired or challenged.'

Retorts for repairs

• My balloons are guaranteed against popping for 30 seconds or thirty steps whichever comes first.
• When children come back with your creation now shaped like a string of sausages I usually wipe my brow for effect and say "It's a good thing I took Surgery 101 back at balloon school!" then twist it back together shouting things like "Forceps!" "Clamp!" "Scalpel! - No, wait!!!! - No Scalpels! Sponge!" "Suction! No, wait!!! - Pressure!" "Suture!", etc. A 3M brand hardware-store dust mask tucked into your apron, and donned at the appropriate time would surely get a huge laugh.
• Have you ever made a balloon animal and just as you're making the last twist, it pops? Take the deflated balloon and hand it to the person and say: "Well here's your bunny rabbit. ... It's a little deflated but you saw what it was right?.... OHHH you want one with air in it. OK I'll make you another one." People laugh at it.

One-liners for kids

• Here's an oldie but a goodie for when your creation won't stand up: I believe it comes from *Roger's Rubber Ark*, "If your legs were made of rubber, you couldn't stand up either."
• From Roger's Rubber Ark: "And believe me, I am not lion to you. Now there's a funny lion you can use to make someone roar with laughter."
• Do you know how to mend a broken heart (balloon)? With "ticker tape".
• Do you know what Daffy Duck's favorite flower is? Of course, the daffydill. Did you know the daffydill couldn't ride his bike. Yeah, he lost his petals. The tulips just smiled.
• When making a rabbit or Bugs you can ask: "How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on him!" "How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way!"
• When making a chicken: "Why did the chicken cross the basketball court? He heard they were shooting fouls."
• While making an energizer bunny rabbit, Do you know where the energizer bunny went after he got married? He went on his bunnymoon where he lived hoppily ever after.
• How come we have a Jelly Fish, but we don't have a Peanut Butter Fish?
• During clown magic, I let the balloons "surprise" me. False tie a balloon and then "surprise" it flies away when I let go of the end. Same effect when breaking a balloon in half and asking a child to hold one half which flies away when you hand it to him/her.
• Refer to the broken balloon bits all around a twister are called "clown droppings" Have the kids help you pick them up.
• What do you call a little dog who drinks coke? A soda pup.
• Don't forget to make your dog 'heel' by placing it by your foot after he has done his other tricks.
• The fish in True Inflations has been going over well lately, so I started asking the kids if they know how to get in touch with a fish, told them - drop him a line, and have heard more jokes from them - a few have stayed with me. Now the fish is from Sharkago where he goes to the tuna-versity and he hates Fry-days.
• Pig one-liners off the top of my noggin'
  • Would you like to date a real Babe?
  • You look like you need a shave, so I'm making you a razorback.
  • When they told me I'd be "makin' bacon" this wasn't what I had in mind.
  • I was lucky to find this location -- do you know how hard it is to find a porking place in this city?
  • I was going to make just a plain motorcycle, but then I decided to go all-out and make a hog.
  • (Does anybody make a pig on a Harley? Then you'd have a hog on a hog.)
• Please, keep safety in mind. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn...
• Don't point that finger at me, there's a nail on the end of it!
• When measuring a child for a balloon hat, I'll start with asking the child's brain size. They usually don't know, so I'll wrap the balloon around the child's head and (holding the loop) I seriously inform them, "This is your brain size. Will you remember it, or should I give you the hat so you'll have a guide?"
• After handing the Teddy Bear to a little girl, I reach out and squeeze the nose, concealing the squeaker in my hand. "I think you got one of the squeaky balloons!" (to Mom/Dad) "That oughta keep her busy for awhile!"

  I use a D-Light and make parts of the animals light up or I reach into a drinking glass and remove the Firefly or whatever.

• Hang on for a sec. I need to catch my breath. After all, I've been giving it away all night.

  One-liners for kids who want more balloons

• There's a special line for kids who want a second balloon. It begins at the end of this line. Everyone else will be waiting for their first balloon, but when it comes time for second balloons, you'll be first in line, and you won't have to wait at all!
• I'm trying to spread the joy of balloons to all the world's children one at a time. If you want a second balloon, you'll need to get in line behind New Zealand.
• But you've hardly had time to enjoy the first one! You don't want to hurt its feelings, do you?
• That _is_ your second balloon. The IRS got the other one. If I make you a third, they'll come and take away your daddy's car.
• A second balloon?! Ach! Kids today! Do you think rubber grows on trees? (Of course, it grows _in_ trees.)
• I'm sorry, I could only buy one balloon for each person because I paid with a rubber check.
• Sorry, I'm so short on balloons I had to melt down my shower curtain to meet the demand. By the way, you'll need to bring that [dog] over to my house when you're done with it or I'll never be able to take a bath again.
• You know the old sailor's saying, "One balloon, sing a merry tune, Two balloons, eaten by baboons." Let's not risk it, okay?
• The first one is free. You have to earn a second one by singing and dancing the Hokey-Pokey -- _solo_. (While the kid's doing the dance, you can handle a couple more customers, and if s/he does it, hell, make another balloon.)

What do they eat?

• Care and feeding instructions that I learned from Frank Thurston: If the animals are hungry, feed them a little evaporated milk, by the way, they love donut holes, but don't let them have too many or they will pop.
• "balloon animals eat the air out of the holes in Swiss cheese." (from One Balloon Zoo I think)
• Balloon animals love to eat bubble gum, but they hate pop-corn.
• "I've never been bitten by a balloon animal"

General

• When you wrap a balloon around the person's head to size them for a hat, wrap it around in front of their eyes and tell your audience, "It's Jordi LaForge from Star Trek!" It's even funnier if they know who your talking about. :) Best to ask them if they have seen Star Trek, The Next Generation. :) (Warning: this idea can be funny and get a good reaction, but many balloonists will advise against it due to the dangers of a balloon popping and striking someone's eye. Use it at your own risk.)
• Remember to mention that latex balloons are all-organic, biodegradable, and using them supports NOT cutting down trees in the topics... very earth-friendly.
• Mouth inflation sets you apart from the smart aleck that says "I want to make my own". I usually give them one or more un-inflated balloons and continue. They're better than a stooge at bringing laughs (and respect) to the artist when they fail at inflating the 260. I sometimes like to follow that up by mouth inflating three or four 260s at once and then asking them if they smoke.
• I call what I do "Airigami". The art of folding air in special latex containers.
• Many people will ask me "How did you learn to do this? Did you have to go to school or something?" and my quick reply is "Oh yes, I had to go to Balloon U and major in Ballonology. See my nametag, I'm a certified Balloonologist. I have my Ph.B! I even minored in Airagami."
• I like to take a slightly different route with this question, "How did you learn this...?" my reply is usually "...actually I skipped school to learn this.." (said with a wink and tongue in cheek) (I also go on to briefly explain learning from books, videos, this list and T. Myers' lectures. I don't want to put our art in a bad light, there's a shock value to that reply that gets the kind of reactions I want. Plus it fits my performing character.)
• Same kind of thing with "..when did you start doing this..?" look at my watch and say .."'bout an hour ago....." (then smile stupidly) That type of reply is _old_ as the hills, but still works great for me....
• Make a balloon person and say: inflation is the sincerest form of flattery!
• if you gotem, blowem
• All it takes is years of practice and self-denial and you too can blow up balloons for a living.
• If they ask if you designed a sculpture, I usually say, "It's like being a musician, sometimes you play your songs, sometimes you play someone else's, or variations on someone else's... the important thing is how well you play."
• When someone says "Oh, I didn't know you were a clown."... I look all over myself then look at the person and say "Is it something I'm wearing?" Then inform them I only do Balloons.
• The line "must have been a sudden gust of gravity" is a nice throw off for any time you drop something.
• When the balloons really start squeaking say: "forgot to oil my hands again"
• You will notice my fingers never leave my hands.
• Ask a kid to hold out his hand (...no the clean one... that was the clean one).
• "Did you go to school to learn this?" And my favorite line from the movie "Benny and Joon": "No. I got kicked out of school for this."
• I psychically select the balloons for each person in advance. You don't want to jeopardize your karma by taking someone else's balloon, do you?
• If you are a clown, you can always whisper to the rude/obnoxious people and kids "Remember, I know what you look like... do you know what I look like without make-up?"
• "What goes oink-oink & smells like your..?", as you raise your arm & put your nose in the pit. You might even follow it with a, "peeeyeww!!" A joke at anothers' expense is no joke; making a joke at yourself can even help people to loosen up and enjoy the show more. I inflate 3 balloons at once by mouth occasionally for the "oohs & ahhs". Sometimes I follow this up with my grossest routine. I take one of these 3 balloons that I've let all the air out of & say, "If you think that was hard, watch this." I then proceed to place it to my nose and inflate it. I keep several of these handy when working for tips. If a person asks me, "Are these free?", I point to my tip button and tell them, "I work for tips." If they say, "That mean I can get one for free if I want to, huh?". Without batting an eye, I say, "Sure, here you go!", as I inflate it by my nose and make a dog. I always keep the right attitude and a smile.
• plastic surgeon - rubber surgeon jokes.
• Heb 13:2 Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
• Here, I'll come up a new balloon song:

  Who can take some latex...
  Make a twist or twooooo
  And make it into any creature you'd see in a zoo?
  The Latex Maaaaaan, The Latex Man caaaaaaaan
  The Latex Man can because he's full of hot air that makes the world smell good.

  Who can take a Geee-oooooooooh,
  Three 260 kyooooooooze,
  And make a fancy sculpture that gets on the evening news?
  The Latex Maaaaaan, The Latex Man caaaaaaaaaan.
  The Latex Man can because he huffs and puffs and blows to make the world smell good.

  The Latex Man bends, all his latex friends,
  Blows them up between his two lips.
  This he does for just a few tips.
  Cleans his ears with fresh, new Q-tips.

  [spoken: Hey, what do you want from a song that was just written on the fly at 8:00 in the morning...?]

  Who can make a fortune, a dollar at a time,
  And never tell the IRS that he has made a dime?
  The Latex Maaaaaan, The Latex Man caaaan,
  The Latex Man can because his cash gratuities don't have an audit traaaaaiiiil.

What to say when a balloon pops

• "May you rest in pieces!"
• "I sure got a bang out of that!"
• "That was a weasel. It went pop."
• "I told you I was going to BLOW it up!"
• "Shhh, don't tell anyone how I did that!"
• "Sorry son, the dog was rabid, had to put it down" (from movie The Mask)
• "Don't worry, I'll make sure that the Doctor puts him back together again."
• I say my sharp wit pops the balloons.
• I thought that all balloons had a hole in them!!!
• When a balloon breaks for an Optimist, he just says "Great! Now I have two!"
• What do you call a balloon dinosaur with a hole in it? Extinct.
• When I do shows I usually have a gun in my pocket... the kind with the little flag that pops out that says "bang" on it. When a balloon pops I grab the gun quickly and fire at it and say triumphantly, "got it".
• Hold you hands to your chest saying, "He GOT me!"
• The most obvious source of balloons popping is "bad breath"
• Remember, every time a balloon pops, an angel gets its wings!!
• I also snapped an empty balloon into my face as I was attempting to blow it up. I would grab my nose and make a horrible face and a shocked face at the same time. Always got a good laugh.
• When blowing up the balloon, I would comment somewhere that "You have to be careful with these things...they have a hole in one end!"
• Which reminds me of another bit I have used.... The balloon inflated, and held at the mouth end, and have everyone do the "lift-off" countdown. Great laugh getter.
• Festive pop-line: "You've heard of Christmas crackers? Well this is a Christmas banger (or fire cracker)!!"
• When a balloon pops...show the remaining balloon in one hand and a new balloon (uninflated) in the other hand and say: "This is your balloon..(show the new balloon)...this is your balloon on drugs..(show broken balloon)...any questions?"
• The sound of balloons popping in the distance are music to my ears. I usually turn to see if an adult in line turns toward the noise. If so, when they look back, I make eye contact and say with a small smile, "Job security.".
• "Don't they last forever?" I'm asked. My reply is, after a subdued laugh, "Now you know why I chose balloons for my art form. If it lasted forever, you'd never need to come see The Balloon Man, ever again, and we can't be having that, now, can we? I have two kids to feed too."
• Popping balloons can be a pain in the you know what, but try looking at it as a challenge for the balloon paramedic in us all. Tie off the balloon, so the air won't escape and try to repair it. Sometimes I even use the rest of the repair balloon to enhance the original body of the creation by giving it more depth, longer leg, etc. You can't always save a popped one, but people love it when you play veterinarian.

One-liners for balloon dogs

• Squashage dog: cos I can't say 'sausage'!
• Walking stick dog: has a long tail curved up which, when you waggle it up and down, causes the dog to appear to walk.
• Sad dog: has a long nose curved down, needs a friend who won't laugh at it.
• Stilt dog: very short body and long legs.
• Happy dog: ordinary dog, hold it with your thumb on its tail and waggle it each time it looks towards the chosen recipient
• Seeing eye dogs are always allowed in restaurants so no matter what type of balloon you have it should be described as a seeing eye dog.
• Tell the kid you will make him a German Shepherd Police Dog, and really talk it up as you are twisting. You twist your usual poodle or hot dog. When you are done, announce that the police dog is 'undercover' working as a poodle (hot dog, etc.).
• When a kid asks for a puppy I usually try to make it into the most special "puppy" ever. _This_ special puppy is very smart and it can learn tricks! While I twist it I make sure that it makes lots of noise and I tell them that it has learned how to "speak". After it is finished I lay it in their hands and show them it knows to "play dead"; I then stand it up in their hands and show them how it will follow my command to "lay down". As a final aside I tell them that teaching it to roll over is a bit more difficult but with a little nudge it will be able to learn that too! I often have several kids in line request a "special puppy" after that.
• "Puppy Love": take two poodles with the little balls on the front feet and tie the noses together and twist the feet together to make them kissing. You can event add a 6" heart to the knot at their noses. This always gets an "Awwwww" from the ladies and little girls.
• Bruce Fife's "Creative Clowning" has something you might like: use a second 260, nearly fully inflated, to make a hoop by tying the ends together. By squeezing the poodle's legs together and releasing them spring-like (and moving the hoop so the poodle goes through it), you can get the poodle to do a back-flip through the hoop. Kids love this.
• A great invisible dog (a 260 leash + collar) also goes over big.
• Dress up as a poodle, and make little balloon people...

• For kids I never say the word pregnant. I always say "A dog eating an apple" or an orange, etc.
• Sometimes people ask me how I got the bubble inside the dog. I say the dog ate it.
• I put a balloon ball in a Teddy Bear for restaurant work, and tell folks "..and you can tell he's been out to eat...see his tummy's full.."
• I like to do this trick with a small, wrapped candy, such as a peppermint, and I just say that the dog has a sweet tooth!
• foil wrapped chocolate coins might be cool to put inside balloons. It might not be too "hot" of an idea in the summer.... "melts in your balloon, not your mouth..."

One-liners for pumps

• We're here to PUMP YOU UP!
• No, that's not a pump, I'm here giving flu shots...

When using a pump, people say "You're cheating" or ask "why don't you blow them up". I have several replies:

• I smile back and say "You're right, I cheat.....and the Emergency Medical Technicians are pretty darn happy about it too....."
• "I was bottom of the class at clown school because I couldn't"
• "You don't want a balloon I spit on, do you?"
• "Let me ask you something...did you walk here or take your car?" - the response is always " I took my car." so throw it back at 'em with: "Oh...you cheated!"
• When people comment about the pump, I tell them I stayed up all night blowing air into it.
• Once I replied "yeah, some people can blow these things up without a problem. It always impresses me." On that, I grabbed two balloons and inflated them at once. "I guess it's something I should practice." Several mouths hung open, but no words came out.
• With adults I sometimes say I have two reasons and just give one above. If they don't ask what the second one is, I wait a while and say "you don't want to know what the other one is do you?" and of course they do. Then I get very apologetic and explain that it wears me out or I whisper "don't tell anyone I'm no good at it".
• Whenever someone who is having trouble blowing up a 260 that I have given him asks me "how do you do it?" I answer "I do it pretty good!!!!"
• When someone points to my pump and says "you're cheating" I reply, "I'm a clown not a fool". This seems to quiet the hecklers immediately.
• I use the Qualatex hand pump and put a kiss sticker on it and tell everyone it's my extra set of lips. Either that, or when they say, "why aren't you blowing them up" I don't say anything, just pull out a balloon and try to hand it them, usually they won't take it and just laugh.
• For those who say "Wouldn't it be easier to use a pump? I respond, "Yeah, but pumps are for girlie men; I'm a REAL GIRL I don't have to use a pump."
• "I've had to use a pump ever since the operation."
  "Operation?"
  "Yup. Surely you've heard of it... a clown operation?"
• "You must learn to breathe before you can blow up balloons." -Bo Tzo, Ninja Clown.
• "I can't blow up a balloon and make fun of you at the same time." (Heckler)
• "I can't blow up a balloon and kiss you at the same time." (Handsome/Pretty Man/Woman)
• "I can't blow up a balloon and sing opera at the same time." (Frightens off large crowds)
• "I need to be ready in case anyone needs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation."
• "I'm not filling it up with this thing, I'm just sucking out the vacuum."
• "Puffing builds your cheeks; pumping builds your pecs."
• "Ewwww - have you ever tasted one of these things?"
• "It's not the blowing up, it's the blowing *in* that's the problem."
• "I don't know where that balloon's been, and I'm not certain where it's going to go."
• "I blew out a lip in Poughkeepsie when I first started, and I never recovered from the trauma."
• "Blowing them up orally gives you worms."
• "I tried blowing them up mentally, but I'm not enough of an airhead."
• "I eat a lot of garlic - one of my poodles popped last week, and a kid passed out."
• "By day I'm the congressman for the 47th district; I need to save my hot air for the floor of the House of Representatives."
• "By day I'm a field sales representative for Voit, and my contract specifies that I use their equipment."
• "By day I'm a wine taster and have to keep my palate clean."
• "I have to save my strength if I'm ever going to get that third little pig." (beat, beat - oh, you got it!)
• "I once had one backfire on me and my nose grew six inches."
• I'm always telling them not to put a balloon in their mouth after it's been in mine, because their germs might not be bad & my germs might not be bad, but if they get together we could have germ warfare, and I know your mom & dad would not be happy.

For adults

• "My mother told me never to put anything this shape in my mouth."
• "You should know that it costs double if I use my mouth."
• "When I start, I never know what part of the animal I'm blowing into."
• "I think the balloons enjoy it a little too much when I do it orally."
• "I tried to blow them up orally, but the plunger was uncomfortable."
• "Blowing them up orally was too easy, and I got arrested the last time I blew one up the other way."
• "I've got the lung power - it's my bladder that can't handle it."
• "I once had one backfire on me and my ass grew six inches."

One-liners for adults

• I get a big laugh from people (usually in restaurants or bars where I am waiting or drinking): They always ask 'Where did you learn that?' I usually reply well, I was bored on my last job and practiced making these when I worked for the Trojan Rubber Company.
• Take a dark and a clear balloon, make a dark baby (what Larry calls a meatball) and stuck it in the clear balloon, then made a dog out of the clear balloon, and a rather well endowed male dog from the rest of the dark balloon. Announce "Here's a pregnant dog... and here's the one that did it!"
• An old Steve Martin gag - mumble unintelligibly while inflating a balloon. Say, "I like to talk while I blow them up. Then, if it pops, it says 'Goddamn it!'" (Adults only - I don't curse in front of kids, and I don't want to encourage them to pop my creations.)
• When called "Balloon Dude" by a waitress in a breakfast restaurant, I respond with "Yes, Pancake Chick?"
• Make a rabbit's head and ears. Pause and say, "How do you like my rabbit ears... I usually get a good reception!" (When only one or two grown ups laugh I usually crib the old chestnut, "Thanks, I need the pity.") I explain to kids that this is a grown up joke.
• In a bar, I made a hat for someone and I said: Excuse me I have to measure your head. I put the two balloons around his head and then took them off. I looked at them puzzledly (like I was reading a measurement or sizing it up) and said "Wow, size 145!" Then after a second or two I said it would have been larger if you had a brain.

  For secure and fun-loving adults I might ask what their ego size is... if that gets a laugh from the person's companions, I'll size the hat and mutter something to the effect of "Extra hefty."

• The following is something I've been using if I have a 'friendly' heckler in the crowd. Twist a dog/poodle but with long front legs. Now wrap this around the heckler's lower leg and tell him that this is what he reminds you of (with a smile on your face). Funnily enough, they love it and nine times out of ten they stop bothering you.

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